Pee Foam Mustache

Sunday, September 27, 2009

So JH, JN, JW, SW, and I were hanging out in JH's backyard on your average Saturday afternoon. His yard was strewn with car parts and dog shit and you could hear his dad banging away in the garage.

As we were sitting and bullshitting, JH pulled out some chew for everyone to have. Everyone but me (I know, what a pussy) took a big wad and shoved it in their mouths. After a bit JN spit his cashed wad on the ground. Someone said jokingly, "That wad of chew looks like your dog's shit." Well, like any bunch of idiots sitting around doing nothing, the conversation turned to who could pack a dog turd like a wad of chew.

SW confidently said "Give me that fucking turd and I'll pack it, I ain't no queer." I'm not all together sure how he relates not packing shit in his mouth to not being queer but I digress. SW picks up a piece of shit and inspects it like someone looking for a fresh piece of fruit. He smiles at us and pops it in his mouth. A second later he spits it out and starts gagging. The rest of us are all laughing our asses off as SW says "That's some nasty shit." JH called him a fag and said he could do it. He picked up a new piece of shit and put it to his lips. He started to gag, but still managed to put half of it in his mouth. He started gagging and spit it out.

We were all laughing at this point when SW said, "If someone paid me I think I could do it." JN quickly offered five dollars to the first person who could pack a turd. The huge amount of money notwithstanding, SW says "You're on." JN says "There are a couple rules to get the money." He says it has to be packed for five minutes from when the turd is fully in the mouth and there has to be one bite taken. SW answered  confidently "No problem." So SW started sifting through the dog shit to find the right one because the reason he gagged and almost threw up before was that he had a bad one. As if their was a good one, it was dog shit remember. Finally finding one he liked he picked it up and showed it to us like he was proud.

JN got the clock ready and told SW to start. He put half in his mouth and held it there till the gagging stopped. We were all crying from laughter and disgust but we couldn't look away. SW said "It is breaking up and I'm swallowing pieces" (I'm gagging as I write) He started to gag again when puke started to run out the open sides of his mouth. He asked "How long has it been?" JN said "I haven't started the clock because you haven't taken a bit yet." With all the will he could muster SW took a bite and closed his mouth.

His cheeks immediately filled but to his credit he kept his mouth shut. He was starting to turn green. "Ok, the clock starts now" said JN. We could barely see through the tears of laughter but SW's eyes rolled back in his head and he opened his mouth and out came a hearty mixture of dog shit and vomit. It was the sickest thing I have ever seen. I couldn't breathe from laughing so hard. SW grabbed a Coke and started chugging it to rid his mouth of the shit/puke taste. JN paid him his money as we continued to laugh.

JH then said "If it was something easy like piss I could do it." Not wanting to stop what we started I said "I'll give you five bucks to swallow a cup of my piss." JH said "Bring it on." I grabbed a coffee cup and filled that sucker with some of my darkest ale. It had a nice foam head and smelled like I had been eating asparagus all day. I handed JH the glass. He said "Jesus Christ, it's so warm and dark it looks like cider." He grabbed a Coke as a chaser and got ready for his chug when his mom walked out. She said "What the fuck are you guys doing out here?" "Get out of here mom" said JH. She said "when are you going to stop being such a fuck up and get a job?" He said "I have a job mom" and pulled the cup of piss out from behind his back and started to chug.

He had pee running down the sides of his mouth. He slammed the cup down and said "I just made five bucks!" He was standing there with piss dripping from his chin and a pee foam mustache and his mom turned around and ran into the house ashamed at what she had created I assume. We were all laughing, crying, and gagging. We had just had our very own 2 girls, 1 cup moment. A little less masturbating though.


Simon Rovell said...

Fucking sick and hilarious at the same time. Well done mate

Destiny said...

that is absolutely disgusting!!! *gag*

Out of Orbit said...

Fucking pissed myself laffing!!

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