The time I shit myself

Thursday, September 3, 2009

So I was on my way out of town for a meeting. I had to be there at 8:00 am and it was three hours away. Driving in a new rental car (my truck was in the shop) I set out. As I left I felt that familiar twinge in my stomach. I knew a shit was a brewing, but I figured I had time to make it to at least the next city (1 hour away). About twenty minutes in, I realized waiting was a bad idea. I was sweating and having severe shit related pains. I figured I was about twenty five more minutes from the closest bathroom (a Safeway store at the entrance to town). I told my stomach to hold out that long and I promised no Mexican food for a month.

Well the shit gods were not on my side this day. I hit construction and the road was closed with workers and bulldozers everywhere. I figured that if I didn't drive through the barriers and around the workers I was in serious trouble. I said fuck it. Through the barriers I went and past the workers who were yelling and chasing me. I yelled "I really have to shit though". I hope they understood.

So now I'm squeezing my butt cheeks together and doing lamas breathing. I pulled right up to the entrance of the store and jumped out and started speed walking to the door. A worker who was walking out said to me, "we are closed till 8." It is 5. I stopped about two feet from him and let loose. It was a wet, runny shit that exploded through my shorts, down my legs, and into my shoes (is anyone else turned on?). I was shitting like I was alone; noises, grunts, and everything. So there I stood, face to face with this Safeway employee shitting myself and he had the nerve to say, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "Clearly I could not hold it any longer asshole" I said back. He tells me, like someone who has never shit himself in front of someone before, "You need to clean this up." I told him to fuck off and got back into my little rental car.

Not having a change of clothes, I knew I wasn't making my appointment. I turned for home, just me and my shit soaked clothes. After the longest drive of my life I got home, walked in the house, and got right in the shower, shit filled shoes and all. I got out and went to sleep, not wanting to deal with the shit soaked car. When I woke up I went out to look at how bad it was and saw my girlfriends mom looking over the car (she lived next door). I walked up and told her that I must have the flu or food poisoning. She said to not worry about it and to go back to sleep. Like a real dick I did. She cleaned the car the best she could.

The next day I took the still stinking of shit car back to the rental place. I left it at the drop off spot and got out of there. I can only imagine what the poor Hertz employee smelled when he got in that car. I mean there was shit on the fucking dash. I don't know how that happened.


DK said...

I actually laughed out loud. Funny story. Keep up the good work.

Destiny said...

OH MY GOD! I swear I'm laughing so hard i have tears rolling out. I'm surprised my husband didn't come to see what was so funny!!!!

Anonymous said...

Never heard this one...#2 of yours I have heard as of now..

Anonymous said...

I love it. I too have shit myself my friend. It is never a pretty sight.

Anonymous said...

LOFL! I know your feelings exactly.
You should have drawn your hand over your crack and threw a handful at that at the Safeway guy and said since I've taken your shit now here's some of mine.
Take care.


Jack Fact said...

Damn, thought you had a good plan there trying desperately to get to the 'SAFEWAY' Would have thought that was definately the safe way to go, but I guess not.

I had a similar food-poisoning related episode. The cliche' 'Shit the Bed' took on a whole new reality for me a couple of years ago. I felt like I was going to die both before and after that episode. Dying from the food poisoning, or the embarassment when my wife discovered my surprise in the morning...

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