Happy New Year to Me

Saturday, January 2, 2010

So it was New Years Eve 1999 and I was at some lame party with my girlfriend of the time. It was your typical brofest with keg stands, crappy music, drunk sluts, and fights, but none of it mattered to me. See my girlfriend had promised to give up her virginity to me before 12:00, so I was watching the clock in horny anticipation. I could not wait, my first virgin. She wouldn't know that swallowing was not mandatory or that anal wasn't as pleasant as I made it out to be. Also, she wouldn't know that guys can last longer than a few minutes.

Around 11:00 I said, "Let's get out of here and go back to my place." She asked, "You've got condoms at your house, right?" I quickly replied, "Of course I do." I did not. I figured with a little friendly persuasion she would melt under the intense flame of my charm. Either that or she wouldn't notice(I know, classy).

We got back to my place at around 11:15. We dispensed with the clothes and got down to business.

Just before I was to ruin her life make her sexual fantasies come true, she stopped me and said, "You have a condom on, right?" Busted. I said, "Hold on, let me get one." I searched my dresser in vein for a condom I knew wasn't there. I smiled and said, "Don't worry, I'll just pull out." To my dismay she said, "Fuck no you won't. If you don't have a condom then you can wait another year asshole." I said, "I'll go get one then." She replied with, "You better be back before midnight or you can take care of yourself." I looked at the clock, it was 11:35. I could make it if I hurried. One more look at her beautiful naked body and I was off.

I went to the closest convenience store and ran in with the engine still running. I asked the clerk where the condoms were. He said, "We don't sell condoms pal." Fuck. I ran out and thought for a second. The closest place was a grocery store, or I could go into town to a liquor store I knew that carried them. The liquor store was farther away and I probably wouldn't make it home. I decided the best way to deflower the sweet virgin in my bed was to risk that the line in the grocery store would not be filled with idiots buying last minute alcohol for their respective parties.

I sped across the street and parked on the curb next to the front door. I ran in and headed to the pharmacy,  hoping that was where I would find condoms. There they were. I grabbed a box and bolted for the door. There was one old man with a shopping cart filled and still unloading onto the conveyor. There were no other check stands open. I looked at my watch, it was 11:50. I was not going to make it. All the work I had put in on this girl was going to be for naught.

Right when I was thinking of excuses like turning off my breaker so the clocks would stop and she wouldn't know what time it was, (I was desperate, obviously) the old man looked back at me and my box of condoms and said, "Big plans?" I said, "Not if I don't get home in the next five minutes." He smiled and said, "I was young once, go in front of me." "I'd hug you if I didn't have a raging hard on right now" I said to the nicest old man I had ever met.

I paid and ran to my truck. I did about 100 mph to my house. I ran in the door not bothering to close it behind me and then into the bedroom to find my girlfriend still waiting and still naked. She said, "That was close, now get over here." Yes!

Several incredible(for me) minutes later as I laid, spent on the bed I thought about the close call and the kindness of the old man. It was going to be a good year.

It was not.


sarah san said...

it seems that whenever you think things will be good they turns out bad.

like as if, hope is crushed
to be crushed. just because.

but its 2010 and i think that 2010 will be a better decade for everyone.

just because.

paul said...

oh sex

Kate said...

Haha! This post made me laugh out loud.


Andrew Gerald Hales said...

that was intense.

Martin said...

That old man deserves one of those old Budweiser commercial "Real American Hero" awards.

The chick was surprisingly savvy for a virgin.

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