My Butt Period, Menstration not Punctuation

Thursday, July 1, 2010

So I was getting ready for an intense workout at the gym with a personal trainer when I thought I had better have a pre-lift dump. Like all my shits, this was a doozy. After twenty or so minutes of straining and pushing I knew what it was like to give birth started to wipe. Wanting to make sure I was really clean before my workout, I went to town with some baby wipes and Tucks on my poor asshole. I finished with an overly aggressive round of wiping, pulled up my white (I know you can see where this is going but trust me, stick with it) gym shorts and headed out the door.

I met the trainer and we got started. I was working up a good sweat but things below the mason dixon line just didn't feel "fresh". I made it through the hard parts of the workout and the trainer and I got out some yoga mats for stretching and some ab work. The trainer started by stretching out my hamstrings by having me lie on my back while he pushed my legs toward my head (Can you feel the homoeroticisim? I did.) He stopped pushing (Don't stop) and asked, "Is everything ok?". "A bit sore, but I'm fine" I replied, not wanting him to know I was fucking beat. Looking a cross between puzzled and sick he said, "I think we are done for the day." Tired as I was I wasn't going to complain.

As I walked out of the gym I noticed two girls eying me from the treadmills. "They must be noticing the effects of my workout" I thought to myself as I gave them a smile. I then noticed a few other people looking and a few now pointing. Starting to feel a little less confident I hurried out of the gym.

When I got home I went into the bathroom to take a shower. After pulling off my shorts I looked in horror at what I saw. My boxers and gym shorts were soaked with blood. Now I have had some blood after a round of aggressive wiping before, but never enough to soak my shorts. As I stared at the abortion that was my rectal bleeding I started to understand what all the looks at the gym and the abrupt ending to my personal training were for. Everyone could see my bloody asshole. Shit, they probably thought my trainer had really "tore me up". I could only imagine the two girls on the treadmills pointing out to each other my growing blood stain and then me confidently throwing back a smile. Fuck!

Now I have been embarrassed in my life, but the realization of what had just happened was a bit much for even me. I would need to start looking for a new gym and new trainer. I just feel kind of bad for the next schmuck who used the yoga mat I had been on. I hope they like hepatitis.

30 comments:

Senorita said...

O.M.G....

There are no words. This was priceless, now you know what it feels like to be a chick.

I would definitely be looking for a new gym if I were in your shoes. Talk about humiliation.

Awais said...

Thanks for following me and nice blog



Regards
http://goolgeme.blogpot.com

Kelly said...

Wow. That was a hell of a story. I like your sense of humor in your personal stories. Pretty honest and open about anything. Here's hopin the ol' butthole heals up and ya have a happy Fourth of July weekend.

Anonymous said...

Jesus! You're fucking disgusting!

Sara said...

I wonder how many people thought you had just had an intense round of anal sex...

That obviously would have been my first guess.

Ella said...

Thanks for following.

Loved the post! I can't even imagine.. Being a girl and having the whole menstruation thing going against me I had a problem or two throughout middle school and high school and it was mortifying.

Some day you'll be able to look back and laugh.

Barloga said...

i dont i ever laughed so hard since reading tucker max
... MaDD pRoPs!!!

Anuradha said...

Excellent blog.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

this was the perfect blog entry to make my grand entrance on. it instantly gave me hearts in my eyes.

and by eyes, i mean asshole.

Daisygirl said...

I kinda feel so bad laughing right now because crap that had to have been one of the most embarrassing situations ever! But if it makes ya feel any better I may have peed a little!

thanks for the follow I am now following your blog too!

Powdered Toast Man said...

Your blog is pretty raunchy. I like it. Great story. Did you ever go back to that gym?

Thanks for following Just the Cheese. Drop me a comment sometime.

Stylez said...

I never went back to that gym. I didn't want to explain to people that I hadn't just been railed in the ass but I was too aggressive when wiping. It doesn't sound much better to me.

Richard said...

Wow - my idea of 'aggressive wiping' seems so friggin tame now it's untrue.

Still, hell of a way to get noticed. Sir, I salute you and your battered arse.

bluebonbon said...

Thanks for following me :) Glad I wasn't following you at the gym and hope you ass is better

maxR said...

You sir are one sick fuck. Thank you.

Michael Jones said...

So now you know why I don't workout!

DEZMOND said...

so have you seen your trainer again after this delightful experience? :)

Kola Kokahalla said...

If it helps at all, I once "broke my vagina" on a mechanical bull. There I said it. Of course, I didn't do any ass bleeding but still. Try explaining those bruises at the ER. :)

OK I had a bruised pubis. But a 'broken vagina' sounds like a much better story, right?

Stylez said...

Dezmond - I have not seen that trainer since. Probably for the best.

Kola Kokahalla - A broken vagina does sound better. Coincidentally, "broken vagina" was my girlfriends nickname in high school.

ms. v said...

sooooo did you ever find out why that happened?? because aggressive wiping shouldn't cause hemorrhaging.

you're not secretly the one-guy-one-jar dude, right? ;)

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine how bad it was. Haha indeed.

Mr Monkey said...

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Stylez said...

Ms. V - Apparently your idea of aggressive and mine differ greatly.

Mr. Monkey - Nice plug

KFS said...

What a post start on! jaysus, I'll have to breath deep before going any further.
And for the love fo god man, be gentle, if you break it it'll stay broke.

ms. v said...

hmmm, you're probably right.

Sarah said...

there are no words.

http://wearingitonmysleeves.blogspot.com

Lizzie said...

This is why white shorts are never okay. On women OR men.

Mary said...

I just realized how incredibly old this is... but it is still absolutely hilarious. I'm not sure if I would have been able to carry on with my life after that. Hopefully you've been okay since then.

Mystic Diva said...

must ve been embarrassing..


Mystic Diva
something THEY call life

Kyle Kulseth said...

HAHAHAHAAAAA! Fucking UNREAL! 5'd! *****

 
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