Fuck You Karma

Saturday, January 23, 2010

So I was set up on this blind date by an ex-girlfriend who I had treated pretty badly, (Bad idea I know, where were you 10 years ago Nostradamus?) but still talked to. I was to meet her friend in front of the movie theater for a matinee showing of The Truman Show.

I never took into account how much my ex still wanted me or how much she hated me (It was complicated) until I saw this under dressed beast come strolling up to me. She was about five foot tall and weighed two bills. She had two black teeth and reeked of cheap perfume trying to cover up a nasty mix of BO and cigarette smoke.

Now I'm not the pickiest guy in the world, my standards usually start and end with alive and willing, but this was a little ridiculous.

As we paid for popcorn and made small talk I started to devise an exit strategy. I started laying the ground work with the not to subtle "My stomach has been bothering me all day." She was pretty nice and offered to call it quits right then and there. I thought about the get out of jail card she had just given me and realized how my ex was probably laughing her ass off expecting me to ditch this bitch. I decided I would get the last laugh on my ex and stick out the date.

I became the ultimate gentleman for this hog. Complementing her ridiculous dress, asking questions about her job, and even holding the door for her as we walked into the theater.

About the time Truman was trying to leave his little prison, the hog was starting to rub my cock under the popcorn tub. Apparently the nice guy routine was having an unwanted effect on this pig as she started to unzip my pants. Luckily the theater was almost empty otherwise someone might have gotten a glimpse of my cock in the hands of this wildebeest.

She stroked it good with the help of the popcorn butter and surprisingly I didn't last long. I let out a little moan as I shot my load all over her dress. I asked if she wanted to stay for the rest of the flick and she said, "No."
We walked out to her car and I said goodbye. She gave me her number and drove off.

I got home and called my bitch of an ex to brag about how well the date went. Before I could gloat, she said the hog gave me a fake number and was totally disappointed with the date. Apparently I was not her type. WTF?!?

After everything, I got rejected by a house of a woman and my ex got the last laugh. Fuck you karma.

9 comments:

Amanda West said...

LOL!

You weren't her type... That's hilarious.

Kate said...

Haha hilarious post! You weren't her type and yet she still wanked you off in the cinema? Classy. What's more amusing is that even though you thought she looked like a wilderbeast, you still let her get to grips with your knob. You boys eh?

Kate x
http://search-for-the-perfect10.blogspot.com

Kiera said...

I do not want to laugh and or comment, but that's pretty funny. pretttty funny. hahahahsa.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

that was gross. but i'm gonna stick it out b/c out the shitting yourself post. thanks for visiting and following at the crib.

Mrsblogalot said...

LOFL-house of a woman....Karma is cruel

P.T said...

Damn!

You Make My Date said...

This blog is hilarious, I've added you to my favourites!

Aunt Juicebox said...

You are looking at it all wrong. You still got a free hand job out of it, right? Sounds like a winner to me.

Mala said...

OMG that's fabulous. A perfect example of proper etiquette; neither of you were interested in the other and yet she still wanked you off, and you held a door for her. And they say manners are a lost art.

 
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