My Last Day Working for Pizza Hut

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

So I was a delivery guy for Pizza Hut. It was a pretty good job considering how easy it was and how good the money was. The income was helped by how much I stole while working there, but that is a story for another day.

So it was close to closing time and I was the only driver on and had two deliveries before I was off for the night. The deliveries were on the outskirts of town so I figured it would take about 45 minutes to get back.

I dropped the first pizza off to some white trash idiot and headed out to my last delivery of the night when I felt that old familiar feeling deep in my colon. The poop clock had started.

For those of you who don't know what the poop clock is I will now explain. It is an internal clock that starts when you feel that first twinge of pain letting you know that a deuce is right around the corner. It is an allotment of time given by your bowels to determine how long it will take from your current location to the nearest, convenient toilet. Got it?

So as I raced to the final delivery, I came to the conclusion that I was not going to make it to the delivery location and then back to the store. I started to panic.

I pulled up to delivery address right as my asshole began to crown. That brown baby was coming and no amount of will power was going to keep it in. I looked for the most logical solution to my rapidly advancing problem. I thought if I turned my headlights off, I could run to the side of the person's house and fire of a brown missile before he ever knew I pulled up. While holding the pizza warmer, I bolted for the large bush on the side of this person's house. I dropped my drawers and popped a squat. Right then the motion sensor light on the guys house turned on which caused the owner to open his front door. I heard the door open and knew the guy was now aware that I was there.

I pulled up my pants in mid dump and ran for my truck. As I passed by the front porch the customer yelled, "Hey, what are you doing over there?" I yelled back, "Sorry" and threw his pizza in the direction I thought was closest to the door. I jumped in my truck and sped off.

I realized that he was probably going to call the store and tell my manager what had happened. I also realized that I was not prepared to explain what had happened so I decided that it was in everyone's (mostly mine) best interests to go our separate ways. I think I made the right decision. Needless to say, that was my last day of work at Pizza Hut.

My god damned bowels screwed me again, and not for the last time.


Amanda West said...

Ew. Holy crud. Was there not a gas station somewhere on the way where you could've stopped?!

Haha. I can't imagine what the guy would say to your manager.

How do you even attempt to explain that?

Organic Meatbag said...

Unless you have extraordinary sphincter control (and few of us do), there's no stopping the brown missile launch did the right thing...

Tgoette said...

I feel ya, Stylez. As a former Domino Pizza delivery driver I have been in that predicament before, but fortunately I never had to cop a squat on someone's yard. Great post!

Thanks for stopping by and following. I like your blog a lot. It reminds me of a Tucker Max-style of writing that I find hilarious. I'll be following to see what other adventures you have!

Brahm said...

Ok, that is gross. And awesome.

And you had me at 'poop clock'.

MODG said...


for this story no less!

Brett Butter said...

I wonder if he ate the pizza

Anonymous said...

That was a sick ending for a job. Also, I love that shirt on your profile picture. It's from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, right?

Ally said...

I just died laughing. No joke. Weird part about this is my husband knows a guy who has a very similar story only he's a lawn guy. He did exactly what you did on the side of a customer's house and she comes walking by with her dog and well, last day servicing her lawn.

That is just a great story!
I wish I had your nerve to post such embarrassing truths.

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

Anonymous said...

One night we were out drinking with friends and we decided to go for pizza. Well we parked at a side entrance and there was a guy loading pizzas for deliver in warmer bags. The guy went back in and my friend who had to piss REAL bad went over to the car, opened the a couple of the warmer bags and pissed in them BEFORE the guy came out to make the delivery.
Well we never stuck around to find out what went down.
That's not the first as he had to take a RAILROAD SHIT, saw a corvette with the top down. So he decides to walk up to it, pull his pants partway down and sit on the door and shit in the seat. If that wasn't bad enough, he took the fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror and wiped his ass and hung them back up and we fucked off in a hurry. LOFL What can I say but nature rules.


Aunt Juicebox said...

I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face. I tried to read it to my husband, and kept getting stuck at "brown baby". Thank you for making my day. Funniest damn thing I've read in a long time.

lwr said...

Totally what I would have done...

I've pissed on many sides of homes in my time. The only logical thing to do.

The Kid In The Front Row said...

"The income was helped by how much I stole while working there"

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