Public Bathrooms Should have Locks on the Doors

Sunday, March 7, 2010

So my band had just pulled up to play this little dive pizza place with no stage, no pa system, and even worse, no locks on their bathroom doors. No problem though, we had played worse venues. Besides, small venues like this pizza place usually had a loyal following of kids who showed up and bought touring bands merchandise.

We loaded in our gear and tuned up. When we were done setting up the manager of the place came up and asked if we wanted a couple pies before we played. Like any starving band on the road, we jumped at the chance to eat some hot food. The manager brought out two pies. One was extra cheese and pepperoni. The other was a specialty pizza that had alfredo sauce and grilled chicken on it. Now sometimes alfredo sauce fucks my stomach and bowels up something fierce, but I didn't care. I had four pieces of the poop maker pie and was stuffed.

We were the headlining band so there were two other bands that played before us. That was just enough time to wreak havoc on my insides. Halfway through the first band my stomach started gurgling. I thought I could hold it and get through the show so I waited. The second band were friends, so I made sure I made it through their set. I figured I would go drop the Cosby kids in the pool before we played. I shouldn't have waited.

The bathroom was about three feet from the side of the stage. When the the second band finished I bolted for the shitter. I was in no condition to be picky so I pulled down my pants sat right in the piss that covered the seat and let loose. After the initial blast I looked up and noticed that there was no lock on the bathroom door. I wedged my foot up against the door so it couldn't be opened and continued emptying my bowels. A few stinky minutes later I heard my singers voice over the speaker announce, "Has anyone seen our bass player, we are ready to play."  I still had a few minutes of pooping to go so I started to push. I was in mid contraction when I heard my singer say, "Someone check the bathroom." I had taken my foot off the door to provide leverage to my pushing. I jumped up mid shit and reached for the door to ensure I'd avoid the impending embarrassing moment. Sadly I was not fast enough.

My guitarist pulled on the door just as I reached it. I had no leverage, so when he pulled on the door it pulled me with it. I fell out of the bathroom on the floor in front of fifty shocked kids and one very embarrassed band.

There I was, laying on the floor to dead silence with pants around my ankles and dodo paper in hand. I layed there hoping this was all just a bad dream when I heard my singer announce, "Lets give it up for our bass player, no matter how bad we suck you'll always remember us."

Seizing the opportunity, I jumped to my feet, covering my dick with the wadded up tp and took a bow. To my surprise the kids at the show started clapping while laughing. With my pants still around my ankles I hopped back in the bathroom and wiped. I walked back out to another chorus of clapping and grabbed my bass.

After the show I had people coming up and telling me how funny I looked laying on the floor. "I can imagine" I said. We actually made almost a hundred bucks on that show. A small price to pay for my dignity I suppose.

25 comments:

Christopher said...

That's hilarious. Played it off well I thought.

Inkpunk Artworks said...

I'm already lauging my ass off! Thanks for the follow!

Wicked Shawn said...

That's touching. should definitely go in your memoirs. File it under, "Fuck, why does this shit always happen to me?"

Wicked Shawn said...

That's touching. should definitely go in your memoirs. File it under, "Fuck, why does this shit always happen to me?"

Oughta Say No said...

OH MY GOD! I feel your pain with the bathroom emergencies. It's the worst when someone puts something yummy in front of you and you think, "I'll regret this later and mow down anyways."

Is that your most embarassing moment ever??

At least the smell didn't waft right out on to the crowd and cause people to leave right?

Organic Meatbag said...

This may be the greatest shit euphemism of all time: "I figured I would go drop the Cosby kids in the pool before we played."
You are genius, sir...

You Make My Date said...

Hundred bucks just for flashing your ass on stage? Geez, that's pretty sweet! I'd get like 5% of that for mine.

http://youmakemydate.blogspot.com/

Stylez said...

If you saw my ass you'd know it's worth every penny.

Senorita said...

This is fucking great !

Thanks for adding me a while back. I added you and will start catching up on your blog.

sarah san said...

it is HARD TO PUT A PRICE ON DIGNITY.

and i'm giving it up for the bass player right now.

Crazy Brunette said...

Holy fucking shit dude! I would have fucking died!!!!

But, you know being that I'm a chick and we don't poop (EVER :) ) it won't ever be a problem!

Bet the fuckers at the pizza place still tell that story!

AVY said...

What a lovely story.

Tgoette said...

Aww, now that's a great story! It's a shame no one had a camera to preserve that gloriously embarrassing moment for posterity, but your story certainly does it justice. Kudos to you for maintaining your coolness where others might have wilted. Great post!

Snafugirl said...

"I pulled down my pants sat right in the piss that covered the seat"

Effing amazing!

Michelle said...

So, this is what my friends and I call the "Ninja Shit". It happens at the worst possible moment, is impossible to avoid and causes complete chaos to all those around it.

Thanks for the follow ♥

Aion said...

Thanks for following and.. as your 100th follower all I can say is.."ROFLMBO"!

Ally said...

Dude, tell me you made this up. That's insane! Ha ha! I love it!

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

zachary said...

LOLOLOLOLOL!!!

Dude, you are seriously funny..
Stoked to death to have you onboard!
Followed you too:)

zachary said...

Oh crap i got syphilis already. Thanks dude:)

Lori said...

Amazing. I hope something this hilarious happens to one of the guys I'm touring with right now.

Dan said...

Nothing worse than dropping a boneless trout at such an inopportune time.
I hope you gave your hands a good wash, those bass strings would be mighty catchy if you know what I mean.
The same thing happens to me with anything with vindaloo sauce on it. Love it but yeah, the lower intestine disagrees.
Very fucking funny

Kitty Moore said...

That was hilarious - I'm sure people will be dining out on that one for some time to come!

Scope said...

Man, you are lucky. When I get a "Code Brown" alert, the timer usually starts at 5:00 and seems to tick faster than real time.

FYI - Pimped your blog today over at Scope-Tech today.

Workforced said...

That was so funny I nearly pooped myself. However, since I didn't have a bass near me at the time I managed to hold it in.

Don Joe

soft nonsense said...

I highly appreciate you following my blog. Mostly because it introduced me to the shit you're writing on here!

Shit being a good term in this instance of course.

 
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