Drum Roll Please.......

Sunday, June 13, 2010

 So all the stories have been submitted and we have a winner. The very sexy (I assume) Amy B. from
Chronicles of Blah Blah Blah has sent in the winning submission. It had embarrassment, ill timed shitting, impotence(I hate it when that happens it happens to everyone, so I've heard), and some pre fuck sobbing. Well done Amy. I hope your starfish gets puckered soon so you don't have to endure anymore experiences like this one. Enjoy your shirt.

Ok well I had a pretty exciting experience this weekend and by exciting, I mean fucking weird.
It’s been a while since i had sex, 3 months to be exact and with my status as a semi-professional slut, I’m really letting the side down but most of all I’m letting myself down and that’s just not good enough.
To make things all the more annoying, the last person that I had sex with was my ex-boyfriend and that’s just annoying.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m over the ex and I am more than ready to bone someone else but I just keep having unfortunate instances. It’s like the God’s of sex are punishing me for being so slutty and have decided to impose a ban on me actually sealing the deal.

Anyway, I’m out of Saturday night with my fellow single friend and we are preying on men. After a few laps of the club I spotted one pretty hot chap. He was younger than me as well and I like them young. It normally means they have more energy and are more grateful hence more prepared to go down on you. Yep, I said it.
So I take him home. On the cab journey (which I made him pay for) he starts to bore me. For some reason  he thinks that I’m interested in hearing about his life and his political views. I’m not. I tell him this and he seems a bit taken aback and just carries on chatting about himself. Not excellent foreplay.

By the time we get back to my house, I don’t really want to fuck him but like I said, it’s been three months and he’s here now so I might as well do it. It would have to be a ‘hate fuck’ because by then I pretty much hated him.

The man in question pops to the toilet whilst I smoke the joint that I know that I’m going to need to enjoy the tryst. He is in the bathroom for AGES, I mean 20 minutes. I don’t really register what he must be doing so as he comes out, I go to go in and he tells me “probably best to not go in there for a while” at which stage I realize that he has taken a massive shit in my toilet just before we are about to get it on. Not a turn on.
I move forward from it (what else could I do?) and we are getting down to business when I realize that he is having problems getting it up. Potentially because I have been pretty mean to him. Anyway, there is nothing that I can do to stir the beast and I’m more than a tad pissed off.

I asked him if there’s something wrong and he just kind of lay there looking pathetic. I then suggested that maybe he should leave and stop wasting my fucking time and then....he starts crying. I’m talking big, fat, salty tears and an occasional sob for good measure. I just stare horrified at him and ask him “really? You’re crying?” I should have been the one fucking crying.

At that stage my housemate calls me to let her in, I do so at the speed of light – anything to get away from the crying, flaccid, pain in the ass that I made the ill-advised decision to bring home with me.

Anyway, about 3 hours later I decide to go to bed but some time between me going to let my friend in, recounting the tale to her and our two other mates and howling with laughter – the dude had let himself out. Thank god he took the hint.

I reckon that i can notch that one up as one of the weirdest and worst sexual encounters of my life. Better luck next time eh?


Ally said...

all i can say is, wow. poor guy. poor you. wow.

No. Shan't. said...

Amy did indeed deserve the win.

Hopefully the Gods of Sex will be nicer to her soon.

Kelly said...

I noticed that you're "following" me now, so to speak, so I wanted to check out your blog. Your stories are funny, a little perverted, gross and well written. My cup of tea.

Powdered Toast Man said...

that was hilarious. Great tale.

maxR said...

If she still wants to bang someone I know someone. This guy down the hall from me. I'll ask.

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