The Jamal Mashburn Looking Prostitute and Prego

So the band and I were in Phoenix for a show at some shithole dive bar. After rocking the roof off the place, we headed back to a friends place to crash. Our roadie JN and I decided we should do something better than sitting around drinking so we decided we should get prostitutes. Not a call girl service, I mean a nasty, scabby, unkempt, street walker type of prostitute.

Having never used a prostitute before (no really) we were not exactly sure where to find any. We figured downtown was the place to start our search. We went into a 7-11 and asked the clerk where one would find prostitutes. Apparently he must get that question quite a bit, because without hesitation he gave us precise directions to where he said "we could get anything we wanted."

Using the nice 7-11 employee's directions we were lead to a pretty unsafe area of downtown Phoenix with minorities abound. After driving up and down the street a few times and seeing more crack dealers than prostitutes we were about to give up, when we spotted a couple working girls who really looked the part. They were hanging out next to a dumpster that was behind a Denny's. They both had high heels with fish net stockings and tiny little dresses. It was pretty dark so specific features were hard to make out, but from a far we had found our dates.

We rolled up in JN's truck and rolled down the window. They walked up and said, "You boys looking for a date?" JN and I started chuckling to ourselves like a couple of immature children. I said, "We sure are, how much do you ladies charge?" They said fifty bucks a person for a blow job. JN and I agreed. They said, "We know a place around the corner we can go."  When I opened the door to let them in the interior light shown light on our would be dates and that's when the phrase "you get what you pay for" really made sense. The first ho was a tall black girl with a bad weave. She also looked identical to former NBA player Jamal Mashburn. For those of you not sure what he looks like, here you go . Not your ideal choice for a blow job but payers can't be choosers. The second ho was white with real scraggly looking blonde hair and smelling of bad B.O., but that wasn't the worst part. She was what looked like about eight months pregnant! By this time they were already stinking up the cab of JN's truck so it was going to be hard to turn back. JN and I looked at each other and shrugged as if to say fuck it.

We went to this shitty little by the hour motel and got a room. All four of us went inside and the (I use this term very loosely here) ladies sat on the bed. One of them turned on the tv and to my surprise the only channels on this tv were porn stations. What a classy place and situation we were in. The ho's sat on the sides of the bed while JN and I stood in front of them facing each other.  I got Jamal Mashburn and JN got the prego one. Mrs Mashburn put the condom on my half hard cock with her mouth(she is a professional after all) and started sucking. I will admit it was really hard to focus on the task at hand with all that was going on, but I did my best. After a few minutes JN was done and he and the prego started a conversation. The already hard task of getting off had now become much harder. A few minutes later Jamal looked up and asked if she was doing ok(she takes pride in her work I suppose). I said, "Just shut up and let me pretend you don't look like Jamal Mashburn." Well, she was not so thrilled with my comment because I felt quite a bit of teeth after that. I closed my eyes and tried to think of the sexiest things I could but all I could see was Jamal Mashburn shooting free throws in my head. Lucky for me, JN and the prego went outside for a smoke so it was a bit easier to concentrate on getting off.

Finally it happened. I filled that rubber pretty good and took a step back. She pulled it out of her mouth and tossed it in the toilet. Not wanting to spend anymore time in the situation than I had to I walked out and told JN we should go. We turned in the key to the room and drove back to where the band was.

To this day I can't watch an NBA game without an erection. For the cheerleaders. Perverts.

Still Alive

Just letting all my loyal (and not so loyal) readers know that I am not dead or out of stories. I will have a new one posted by the end of the week titled "The Jamal Mashburn looking hooker and her pregnant friend"  I like simple and attainable goals like that. It's why I have fucked so many fatties.

My Butt Period, Menstration not Punctuation

So I was getting ready for an intense workout at the gym with a personal trainer when I thought I had better have a pre-lift dump. Like all my shits, this was a doozy. After twenty or so minutes of straining and pushing I knew what it was like to give birth started to wipe. Wanting to make sure I was really clean before my workout, I went to town with some baby wipes and Tucks on my poor asshole. I finished with an overly aggressive round of wiping, pulled up my white (I know you can see where this is going but trust me, stick with it) gym shorts and headed out the door.

I met the trainer and we got started. I was working up a good sweat but things below the mason dixon line just didn't feel "fresh". I made it through the hard parts of the workout and the trainer and I got out some yoga mats for stretching and some ab work. The trainer started by stretching out my hamstrings by having me lie on my back while he pushed my legs toward my head (Can you feel the homoeroticisim? I did.) He stopped pushing (Don't stop) and asked, "Is everything ok?". "A bit sore, but I'm fine" I replied, not wanting him to know I was fucking beat. Looking a cross between puzzled and sick he said, "I think we are done for the day." Tired as I was I wasn't going to complain.

As I walked out of the gym I noticed two girls eying me from the treadmills. "They must be noticing the effects of my workout" I thought to myself as I gave them a smile. I then noticed a few other people looking and a few now pointing. Starting to feel a little less confident I hurried out of the gym.

When I got home I went into the bathroom to take a shower. After pulling off my shorts I looked in horror at what I saw. My boxers and gym shorts were soaked with blood. Now I have had some blood after a round of aggressive wiping before, but never enough to soak my shorts. As I stared at the abortion that was my rectal bleeding I started to understand what all the looks at the gym and the abrupt ending to my personal training were for. Everyone could see my bloody asshole. Shit, they probably thought my trainer had really "tore me up". I could only imagine the two girls on the treadmills pointing out to each other my growing blood stain and then me confidently throwing back a smile. Fuck!

Now I have been embarrassed in my life, but the realization of what had just happened was a bit much for even me. I would need to start looking for a new gym and new trainer. I just feel kind of bad for the next schmuck who used the yoga mat I had been on. I hope they like hepatitis.